im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I touched a dick in church today
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
