You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
