So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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