This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
