I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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