why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
the liver wants what the liver wants
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
