Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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