Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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