grandma shit on top of the toilet
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
