he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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