went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
