so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
