i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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