she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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