I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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