My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
