he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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