Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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