Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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