Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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