I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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