im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
