So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
