there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
