If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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