I just pynch a tree in the face
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
