The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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