I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
