his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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