Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
