Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
