when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Two words: blizzard sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
