True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
