The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
love makes seman taste better
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
