god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
