I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
this boner is exhausting
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
