I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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