you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
