i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
