Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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