I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
