The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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