all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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