when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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