So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
