And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
