his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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