Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
