I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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