meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
