I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
