I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
