I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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