Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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